THE LAND THAT TIME FORGOT

Felicitations and fond greetings Blogbuddies from Englandshire in general and Lincolnshire in particular. At first glance Lincolnshire appears as flat and inviting as a pint of "Old Witches Tit" real ale, however a second sneaky peek reveals a county which makes Royston Vasey look like a cosmopolitan metropolis. Unfortunately further observations are rendered impossible by the sound of twanging banjos and the slap of webbed feet on cobbled highways. This truly is the land that time forgot.

Anyway I digress, I was in Ingerlund to work but took the opportunity to call in on PRINCESS and check up on her fitness levels. Since her departure, the office has become a far safer and indeed a far quieter place. Safer because there in no longer a risk of tripping over the tongues of drooling sycophants formerly crawling around her desk: quieter because no-one is nagging my ass off on a daily basis. Prior to my arrival PRINCESS has mentioned something about a blowout and a spare tyre and, dear readers, I can confirm that when we met, PRINCESS was most definitely carrying a spare tyre - freak! Anyway I was treated to a couple of hours riding round land flat enough to see a lynch mob coming for miles but I am happy to report, we did so at a speed which ensured we could later scoff curry and chocolate without guilt.

Now you will be aware BUNTERBOY is recovering from major surgery and, for ongoing health reasons, has regrettably and reluctantly decided to withdraw from the ride. That aside, the Boy clambered back on the bike and poured himself into his spanking new kit. Now it would be rude of me to suggest that 10 weeks of little exercise had taken its toll but it had and, resembling a jelly wrapped in clingfilm, he still managed a creditable performance - freak! It wont be long til he is whipping my ass, again.

BABYREINSBOY and I have managed a couple of rides; the most memorable being when we decided it was big and it was clever to cycle in gale force winds. Creditably we found we were fitter than we realised but scarily the Met Check revealed the wind had been gusting at speeds of up to 75 mph. I celebrated by eating pie, he celebrated by going for another ride then swimming in the North Sea - freak.

Righty ho, less than 4 weeks to the ride and another one of our team has apparently withdrawn. I saw apparently because he has not had the courtesy to reply to any mail, text or phone calls deciding instead to tell BUNTERBOY in passing that he couldn't do it. That leaves us short of a driver/chef and the full range of culinary delights he had promised to bring with him. However PER ARDUA etc, the search is on for a replacement and I'll let you know how we get on. TTFN.

ITS A NICE DAY FOR A LOCAL WEDDING

Greetings from a windswept and terminally wet Scotland, where, due to inclement weather and a host of other rubbish excuses, the past weeks have been noteworthy due to a lack of cycling In truth TEAM BONES has been otherwise engaged and I’m sure we’ll be back on track soon, but here’s what we’ve been keeping ourselves busy with:

BABYREINSBOY went to a wedding (obviously not his own) in ORKNEEEEEE. Word reached me from those far-flung shores that, being a Leuchars Lad, he blended in well with the web-footed residents; unlike the simperingly gorgeous MRS WANNABE BABYREINSBOY whose shock of ginger hair garnered much attention. So much so that she attracted several offers of marriage and found her island value to be holding steady at 12 sheep and a smallholding with outhouse. However once the local fellahs discovered her Mother was not her Sister all interest waned.

Meanwhile EVIL LEADER has been treating Ninewells Hospital like a local B&B. Last seen wandering round the village smacked off his tits on drugs, the BOY EVIL visited his Dr only to be sectioned and sent for more tests. Now whilst Paracetamol is hardly Crack Cocaine, those of us who hold him dear can honestly say there’s not much difference between drugged and non-drugged BOY EVIL – once a gunner eh? Now far be it from me to suggest a cure for condition but it seems BOY EVIL has become a bit of a wuss. Personally I think he needs to “man up” thus I propose we strip him, tie him to his whirly washing line, and then hose him down whist getting him to shout “I am Sparta”. Anyway talking about hosing down, it was surely no fluke that BOY EVIL’s annual shower and change of clothes strangely coincided with PRINCESS’ return from leave.

PRINCESS, about to depart for pastures new, has embarked on a Bacchanalian frenzy of hedonism. The removal of her plaster cast saw her riding her bike hours later – straight to the pub. While I would never suggest 6 weeks of excessive alcohol consumption and pie-eating has seen her gain weight, it would, however, be rude of me to suggest her bum now has its own postcode. Besides, she is now ensconced in Englandshire which means I am safe from retribution - for a while at least.

As for me I’m turning into a bit of a jet setter. Last week I went to CARDUFF and BRIZZELL and became quickly accustomed to the wail of sirens and the smell of sewage – and that was only the hotel! However my big news is that I have discovered my very own man breasts and am pleased to announce we intend to be very happy together. Til next time.

THE TRUTH AND NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH!

Dearest Blog Chums,

I write to you with increasing fear that this blog may be my last. Having been the victim of physical and mental abuse for errrr my last blog not being abusive enough, I shall endeavour to rectify the situation by venting vitriol and vileness in the vain hope I leave no-one less abused than a. n. other.

The concept of TEAM BONES was created by BUNTERBOY, formerly known as EVIL LEADER, formerly known as BONSEY. When I say "created" I actually meant stolen... from me....because BUNTER-EVIL-LEADER-BOY never had an original thought in his life. The team actually was to be named "TEAM WE LOVE BONESY COS HE IS FAB INNIT" until I suggested "TEAM BONES" was slightly more acceptable to us less egotistical mortals. Idea plagiarized, and ego stoked, EVIL LEADER emerged: a kind of camp DR EVIL if you like. Now it is a little known fact that EVIL LEADER is an anagram of VILE DEALER, the sort of scum one would expect to see on JERRY SPRINGER. While it's not my place to suggest that EVIL LEADER would be an ideal guest on JERREEEEE, JEREEEEE….but having been seen in the same clothes (yeah take that FATFACE boy) for several weeks now, the general public can no longer tolerate the excuse of swollen wound/on going infection as a cover for his slovenly personal hygiene. He is trailer park trash, an original toothless wonder whom, if he had another brain cell, would need watering. Nuff said. Oh get well soon, kissy kiss.

And to PRINCESS (anagram of WINO BIRD), a classy chick who at least takes her flagon of Rose wine out of the brown paper bag before slurping it down. Claiming to be on leave, I believe she has fled the country having broken the record for most wine bottles delivered to the Recycling Bin in one go. She is currently off to Champagne to hang out with a better class of wino, and gulp electric soup by the Magnum. Still single and increasingly desperate, she has taken to abusing herself with a needle. Now far be it from me to let the truth get in the way of a good story, it would, nonetheless, be remiss of me not to mention the needle is for knitting and generally used to scratch down her plastered leg, but needle abuse it is nonetheless. You heard here first!

Lastly and certainly least, BABY-REINS-BOY (Anagram BE YOB BRAINS). Still in denial that he shares a home with a GWAR, he now claims to be involved in Property Management and Development. Not that I want to rain on his parade, but if you want your drive tarmacked then BABY is your BOY but don't pee him off because remember "No one puts BABY in a corner!". Empire building, and nude bathing aside, BABY-REINS-BOY is still resisting the lure of Lycra and sporting a pair of shorts which make him look like a deranged Boy Scout Leader: talking of which, there is undoubtedly no truth in the rumour that he plans to open a sweet shop outside Leuchars Primary.

So there you have it. Oh and the truth...hmmm, Bonesy is itching to get training, Kat is itching but training, Ian is training, and my itch is another story for another day.

Tatty Bye the noo.

RED OR DEAD?

Hey ho Blog-chums, felicitations and salutations from PLANET CAL; I trust you are all deliriously happy and continuing to enjoy the glorious Summer? Surprisingly, given that the majority of TEAM BONES are incapacitated, it has been a busy week all round. BABY-REINS-BOY and I continue to get the miles in while PRINCESS and BUNTERBOY continue to get the pies in.

BABY-REINS-BOY has revealed his secret energy source and, in doing so, gone public with his potato addiction. However, he isn’t quite ready for an appearance on JEREMY KYLE and has joined SPUDAHOLICS ANON: apparently this will reduce his cravings and means he’ll only have to empty his sack twice daily - I shudder to think! Anyway with the spectacularly lovely MRS WANNABE BABY-REINS-BOY suffering RSI from continuous use of a potato peeler, word reaches me she has secured the services of a live-in GWA-GODDESS. With 2 Gingers under the same roof, the smell of wee and digestive biscuits will be overwhelming, which is why (along with his beloved dogs) BABY-REINS-BOY regularly performs a public service by taking the GWAs for a dip in the briny. Cleanliness fetish aside, as long as he has someone to peel, chop, boil, fry, mash, and roast his drug of choice he’ll be in root veggie heaven.

And so to BUNTERBOY, now at home and displaying a range of bed-wear which could easily grace the windows of Age Concern (or any reputable charity shop). Bless him, as he spends his time sat in a deck chair, like a senile dictator, waiting for his tea and toast to be delivered – which is fine if you are in hospital but not so clever if you are in the Post Office. With nothing to do but watch cookery programmes and send endless texts, BUNTERBOY’s thoughts have turned to horticulture and he is seeking someone to trim his back garden. On that note I’m told PRINCESS’S garden, albeit unattended, is fine as it is. Shearing aside, we wish them both speedy recovery.

So that’s it for another week. Now that our adventure is postponed until 25 Oct 09, you’ll have to suffer my inane ramblings a wee while longer. Catch ya’all soon now.

OOOH MATRON

Life has a strange way of sorting the wheat from the chaff, the strong from the weak and the cyclists from the trick cyclists. And so it came to pass that, during a small stopover in the Kingdom of Fife, Mother Nature decided to have a quick interfere in the lives of 2 of our team.

Last week, PRINCESS dressed up and went to the Ball expecting, as in all good fairy tales, a happy ending. However as the night wore on she caught a bout of WINE FLU during which she managed to fracture her foot in 3 places. Whilst I have no idea the who, what, why, or when, I do know that some mysterious person left a flowery deposit on her desk shortly after. Bored at home, she has decided to return to work to make my life a misery and have me remind her just how lardy she will become without training. Bless, and then there were three.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing and so we should have guessed STROPPY-EVIL-LEADER-BOY was going to be unwell when he started having delusions. These began when he arranged for us to have new kit. BABY-REINS-BOY and I (having discovered our XXXXXXL tops made us look like jelly wrapped in clingfilm) stared aghast in disbelief as the LEADER claimed he has squeezed his small but perfectly formed frame into a L! - Yeah right. Such was the torrent of abuse heaped upon him, he resorted major surgery to avoid riding with us. As at today, medical staff asdise that both him and the wallet he had surgically removed are recovering well. Bless, and then there were two.

So as EVIL LEADER lies in his hospital bed claiming his engorged stomach is due to water and or wind retention (not the nosebags of chocolate the lovely MRS E-L delivers daily) he can surely no longer be known as EVIL LEADER and henceforth is named BUNTERBOY. PRINCESS has a foot in plaster and can still be called PRINCESS because FATASS would be offensive.

The end result is that BUNTERBOY and PRINCESS-NOT-FATASS are uanable to train for months so we will have to postpone the ride for a wee while. On a positive note it gives us more time to train, even more time to raise money and a little more time for me to take the mick. Get well soon guys. Cheery the noo.

OOH BABY BABY

My Mother was a wise woman, not the kind of woman to speak much but the kind to impart pearls of wisdom. When I was little, she said "Calum, you'll always be daft but you'll never be stupid" - and I believed her because she was my Mum; until today! Because after heaving my lardy up and down hill and dale for 4 hours yesterday,(and swearing - very loudly- I wouldn't do it again) I did it again today and agreed to do it again tomorrow. That, in any one's book, crosses the line from "daft" to "stupid"-especially when most of the cycling is done in a torrential downpour.

Riding in the rain can be dangerous, but even more dangerous is not paying attention to EVIL LEADER as he barks orders to miscreant cyclists in general but OOMPAH in particular. OOMPAH rides his bike like he's just had the stabilizers removed; zooming ahead giggling like a kiddie in a sweet shop. He does this so much now that from henceforth he is to be known as BABY-REINS-BOY because,in an effort to restrain him, we will attach baby walker reins to his seat. He seems to like the idea but I think its one step away from being an adult baby, and swapping Lycra for a babygro!

PRINCESS is now PRINCELESS cos SIMONG has decided he prefers his own company to hers. His loss.....if he ever existed! Anyway she has been getting ready to re-enter the dating game by fending off perverts, eating chocolate and watching endless episodes of Sex in the City. Personally I suggest she dyes her hair ginger then everybody would want to step out with her.

EVIL LEADER has splashed out on a new bike. Its shiny and comes with an extra big bike bag with compartments for hair product, straightners and lip gloss - after all being an EVIL LEADER takes effort! So SARACEN (his bike from when he was known as plain on "Bonsey") has been donated to BABY-REINS-BOY who is as likely to buy his own as I am to ask the rest of TEAM BONES to plan a ride around the Alps. Until next time, toodle pip.

Tea and cakes anyone

Well, here are another day another dollar, I bet you are all wondering how all the training is going as time is getting ever closer. Well the main bit of news is Princess (Kat) has finally succumb to Lycra. Yes I hear you say it is about time, one step nearer to Tour De France. Calum is back off his hols and is back into a strict diet and fitness routine, happy days, Iain STILL hasn't bought his own bike and had to give bikey (calums main bike) back, so evil leader must be losing it as I have now Lent him my Saracen. I can hear you thinking, hold on a minute, if evil leader has given Iain his bike, what is evil leader riding. Well my friends, I will tell you, I have purchased a new Giant Defy 4 from Spokes in St Andrews. No it doesn't have stabilizers but yes it does have a bell ting ting (that is meant to be the sound of the bell), so evil leader is very happy.
On the training front, have been out a couple of times this week, Princess went out with Calum and is telling everyone that she whooped his arse, Calum said he let her as he felt sorry for her ha ha ha. Evil took Princess for a ride to St Andrews where he plied her with hot chocolate. Calum is very jealous ha ha ha . Iain has had yet another puncture on somebody elses bike. That is twice in 2 months. He may finally get the message that he needs his own bike (hint hint).
Anyway sponsors are flooding in, a massive thanks to Myrtle Coffee who are purchasing our second cycling strip, their logo will appear shortly, Ceres Butcher in Leuchars gave the charity £60.00 so many thanks to him and you kind people keep on donating online. Well blogsters, thats it until next time, as my father used to say me "you can fool some of the people some of the time but only some of the people most of the time, and then he said that maybe you can fool most of the people some of the time but some of the people most of the time, and I said " dad shut up"..........later folks. Evil leader